When you realize you are not as tough as you thought you were...

Yeah so I've believed i'm a lot tougher than I really am. More resistant than other girl, women, females... thinking myself so high and mighty at the insane, obsessive or "pathetic antics" I would watch so many put themselves through. Why? What for? What did you get out it? Why humiliate yourself? Why be subservient? Why belittle? Oh the list of harsh inappropriate questions goes on and on and.... So intolerant and unforgiving to the plight of the starving female ego otherwise known as self confidence or insecurity. Don't know if mine was so damaged that I couldn't truly understand because it was buried under so much anger and hate. So much distrust and disdain that unearthing the truth of my own mutilated self esteem would have destroyed the functional part of myself. It would have left me with a black hole of self and swallowed me entirely.

As I try to wax philosophical in the entry I'm distracted... by a guy. And I'd say he almost has me wrapped around his finger... rushing to answer him, talk with him, letting him turn my life upside down to have a quick conversation via phone or neglecting work to answer his text. And this is during work hours in the office. This has gone on for 1 week and it has been so great. Feeling giddy, feeling desired, feeling. Having the attention or no being the center of attention and made to feel like you are the center of someone else's world, yeah it is a pretty incredible drug. And like an addict I responded instantly and if necessarily apologetically, anything not to lose the high, the glorious, amazing, desirable high of being desired. Okay so how can I make sense of this while still in this drug induced state. How do even begin to answer the barage of questions I asked in the second paragraph.  Stumbling around seeing if I can provide sane or coherent answers.

Why? Because it's fun, it makes me smile, giggle, and happy to receive his attention

What for? refer to the first response and add "oh you were doing something sooooo important weren't you"

What did you get out of it? The joy of the crush, infatuation, desire, and a loss of the loneliness that you don't even notice anymore because it has been so long that you don't even realize anything is really missing and you have filled your time & life with things to do, classes to take, people to visit, and work

Why humiliate yourself? This one is particularly harsh... what is humiliating... maybe to the observer but if neither party feels humiliated then is that person doing that to themselves... why did I feel they were humiliating themselves. Because they had given into a man, his needs, his desires, his wants, his authority (Ah this last one was an assumption and a very bad one indeed)

Why be subservient? I answer this with 2 question from the opposition... How so, by catering a little to a guy by doing a couple of simple things to make him feel special, comfortable, sexy, manly? How is doing a couple of things (within reason ... pls note reason is different for different persons comfort zones) to make someone you care about or have feelings for a bad thing? Guess what genius it isn't, so get the fuck over it.

Why belittle? see previous response... really you just asked the same questions with the same one sided assumptions.

Okay now that I have answered those with some fevor let me switch gears and say the doubt and ugliness that live in that first paragraph never go away and those things live in every single female especially in the beginning of any new "thing".