Sitting through the workshops today was brutal and distracting me from my own distractions. Yet my nerves and imagination were way ahead of me and the possibilities that can and will never be. Lost in a web of lies created by my own need for something more than what is and what could ever possibly be. I just want to smoke, and smoke, and smoke some more. Lose myself in the smoke rising from cigarette after cigarette burning before me and extinguishing at the filter for lack of fuel. I want to cry and dance and scream just like my old crazy upstairs neighbor... maybe now I understand why she did what she did. Listen to song after song, replaying certain songs seeking musical relief. Wishing for just one small message, longing for a small hello instead of silent uncertainty. And now I understand how the girls in high school probably felt... wish it happened then, it would have been easier to process. Ill equipped and inexperienced when it comes to social protocol and male/female relations. Insecurities abound, it all wrapped up in weight and waiting. The weight of weight is weighing heavily and making me wait for a better time instead of seizing the moment and so I have to ask how long have you been weighting? and why and what fore and then I remember that no matter how I try I will never be fucking perfect or even close and the realization (no matter how many times it happens) crushes me just like when I was a teenager. Transporting me back to the ugly dark moments of my past and it hurts. It hurts all over again, it is like every old wound opens at once and the intense pain is temporary crippling. What are you looking for runs across the mental brain screen and there is no reasonable or logical answer to that. All I want to do is drink and smoke, smoke & drink. Paradoxically wanting to run and get filthy stinking drunk and I'm not a drunk. Why are you wallowing, why are you complaining? Only one answer ... I don't know how to handle the opposite sex. Usually they mean nothing to me, can take them or leave them, but somehow something has changed this times and I'm fighting every urge to be a "typical" pursuing girl. Fighting the "zah zah zoo" butterflies whatever the fuck you want to call the feelings I'm finding myself holding. Everytime I try to drop them I reach over and pick them up again. Everytime I want to toss them I end up putting them back in my bag. Not used to the feelings, not used to the feelings at all and there is a part of me that fines this so unbearably distasteful and then there is another masochistic part that knows how devestating the feelings and by products will be but wants it too happen. Wants to be broken, wants to know the exquisite pain that only heartache can deliver. Problem is you have to give a damn and allow yourself to love to have that... and I fear I'm only capable of imagined relationships and emotions. The real stuff is just to fucking real for a girl like me. He said "good girl" and I'm not offended, I actually think it is strangely endearing/erotic. But why he says it is beyond me because there is nothing good about my behavior or lack of emotional response. But then how could he possibly know that. I've dug a hole so deep I can only look up and see the sky in the distance. A small round artificial moon in the darkness of the hole I'm looking up from inside of and that is closing in around me.
I don't know how to trust a man. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know what it means to love a man with complete abandon. I don't know how to forgive me for not living up to my own unrealistic expectations without hurting myself. I don't know how to stop hurting & punishing me for not being everything I imagined I should have been. I don't know so much about me and it terrifies me to no end. I don't know how to relinquish control and yet I don't know completely how to control myself. Everyone of my short comings is crushing me regardless of how very small and insignificant it is.
How can something so small crush you and squeeze your soul until you want to just scream? How can something so insignificant be so significant? How can you let it happen to you and matter so much? How can you not celebrate your joys for more than a day? How can you not commit to changing yourself? How is it that you cannot accept yourself anymore? How is it possible that you need so much validation?
Will it ever stop? Will it ever end? Will you ever forgive yourself?
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