When you realize you are not as tough as you thought you were...

Yeah so I've believed i'm a lot tougher than I really am. More resistant than other girl, women, females... thinking myself so high and mighty at the insane, obsessive or "pathetic antics" I would watch so many put themselves through. Why? What for? What did you get out it? Why humiliate yourself? Why be subservient? Why belittle? Oh the list of harsh inappropriate questions goes on and on and.... So intolerant and unforgiving to the plight of the starving female ego otherwise known as self confidence or insecurity. Don't know if mine was so damaged that I couldn't truly understand because it was buried under so much anger and hate. So much distrust and disdain that unearthing the truth of my own mutilated self esteem would have destroyed the functional part of myself. It would have left me with a black hole of self and swallowed me entirely.

As I try to wax philosophical in the entry I'm distracted... by a guy. And I'd say he almost has me wrapped around his finger... rushing to answer him, talk with him, letting him turn my life upside down to have a quick conversation via phone or neglecting work to answer his text. And this is during work hours in the office. This has gone on for 1 week and it has been so great. Feeling giddy, feeling desired, feeling. Having the attention or no being the center of attention and made to feel like you are the center of someone else's world, yeah it is a pretty incredible drug. And like an addict I responded instantly and if necessarily apologetically, anything not to lose the high, the glorious, amazing, desirable high of being desired. Okay so how can I make sense of this while still in this drug induced state. How do even begin to answer the barage of questions I asked in the second paragraph.  Stumbling around seeing if I can provide sane or coherent answers.

Why? Because it's fun, it makes me smile, giggle, and happy to receive his attention

What for? refer to the first response and add "oh you were doing something sooooo important weren't you"

What did you get out of it? The joy of the crush, infatuation, desire, and a loss of the loneliness that you don't even notice anymore because it has been so long that you don't even realize anything is really missing and you have filled your time & life with things to do, classes to take, people to visit, and work

Why humiliate yourself? This one is particularly harsh... what is humiliating... maybe to the observer but if neither party feels humiliated then is that person doing that to themselves... why did I feel they were humiliating themselves. Because they had given into a man, his needs, his desires, his wants, his authority (Ah this last one was an assumption and a very bad one indeed)

Why be subservient? I answer this with 2 question from the opposition... How so, by catering a little to a guy by doing a couple of simple things to make him feel special, comfortable, sexy, manly? How is doing a couple of things (within reason ... pls note reason is different for different persons comfort zones) to make someone you care about or have feelings for a bad thing? Guess what genius it isn't, so get the fuck over it.

Why belittle? see previous response... really you just asked the same questions with the same one sided assumptions.

Okay now that I have answered those with some fevor let me switch gears and say the doubt and ugliness that live in that first paragraph never go away and those things live in every single female especially in the beginning of any new "thing".

Feeling Chatty

Don't know if I'm edgy too or restless but definitely feeling chatty... and I have no one to chat with but I do have a lot of work backing up on me and so I will probably do that tonight and be working from home again tomorrow. Actually looking forward to being in the office on Friday so that I have a change of scenery. Was so restless on Thursday that I went and bought some cigarrettes. Now you know it is crazy for me, but oh well what can you do right. Next week might be better with some interactions on both Tuesday, Wed & Friday. I have a b-day party on Tues, a dinner with old colleagues on Wed and maybe seeing

Restless and Trepid

Sitting through the workshops today was brutal and distracting me from my own distractions. Yet my nerves and imagination were way ahead of me and the possibilities that can and will never be. Lost in a web of lies created by my own need for something more than what is and what could ever possibly be. I just want to smoke, and smoke, and smoke some more. Lose myself in the smoke rising from cigarette after cigarette burning before me and extinguishing at the filter for lack of fuel. I want to cry and dance and scream just like my old crazy upstairs neighbor... maybe now I understand why she did what she did. Listen to song after song, replaying certain songs seeking musical relief. Wishing for just one small message, longing for a small hello instead of silent uncertainty. And now I understand how the girls in high school probably felt... wish it happened then, it would have been easier to process. Ill equipped and inexperienced when it comes to social protocol and male/female relations. Insecurities abound, it all wrapped up in weight and waiting. The weight of weight is weighing heavily and making me wait for a better time instead of seizing the moment and so I have to ask how long have you been weighting? and why and what fore and then I remember that no matter how I try I will never be fucking perfect or even close and the realization (no matter how many times it happens) crushes me just like when I was a teenager. Transporting me back to the ugly dark moments of my past and it hurts. It hurts all over again, it is like every old wound opens at once and the intense pain is temporary crippling. What are you looking for runs across the mental brain screen and there is no reasonable or logical answer to that. All I want to do is drink and smoke, smoke & drink. Paradoxically wanting to run and get filthy stinking drunk and I'm not a drunk. Why are you wallowing, why are you complaining? Only one answer ... I don't know how to handle the opposite sex. Usually they mean nothing to me, can take them or leave them, but somehow something has changed this times and I'm fighting every urge to be a "typical" pursuing girl. Fighting the "zah zah zoo" butterflies whatever the fuck you want to call the feelings I'm finding myself holding. Everytime I try to drop them I reach over and pick them up again. Everytime I want to toss them I end up putting them back in my bag. Not used to the feelings, not used to the feelings at all and there is a part of me that fines this so unbearably distasteful and then there is another masochistic part that knows how devestating the feelings and by products will be but wants it too happen. Wants to be broken, wants to know the exquisite pain that only heartache can deliver. Problem is you have to give a damn and allow yourself to love to have that... and I fear I'm only capable of imagined relationships and emotions. The real stuff is just to fucking real for a girl like me. He said "good girl" and I'm not offended, I actually think it is strangely endearing/erotic. But why he says it is beyond me because there is nothing good about my behavior or lack of emotional response. But then how could he possibly know that. I've dug a hole so deep I can only look up and see the sky in the distance. A small round artificial moon in the darkness of the hole I'm looking up from inside of and that is closing in around me.

I don't know how to trust a man. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know what it means to love a man with complete abandon. I don't know how to forgive me for not living up to my own unrealistic expectations without hurting myself. I don't know how to stop hurting & punishing me for not being everything I imagined I should have been. I don't know so much about me and it terrifies me to no end. I don't know how to relinquish control and yet I don't know completely how to control myself. Everyone of my short comings is crushing me regardless of how very small and insignificant it is.

How can something so small crush you and squeeze your soul until you want to just scream? How can something so insignificant be so significant? How can you let it happen to you and matter so much? How can you not celebrate your joys for more than a day? How can you not commit to changing yourself? How is it that you cannot accept yourself anymore? How is it possible that you need so much validation?

Will it ever stop? Will it ever end? Will you ever forgive yourself?