Countdown to 2010... starting a new chapter

Having a quiet evening in on New Year's Eve packing up a chapter of my life. The apartment is slowly being packed up and a new chapter of life will begin in January 2010. I will continue with my promise from last year to...

• not let work overwhelm me
• not put off things I have been wanting to try or do
• write more

My resolutions for this year and rolling forward are...

• write in this blog every week
• get into a regular exercise routine
• submit writings no less than 3X
• write in my journal everyday
• train & complete a 10K
• conversational French

Good luck to me on sticking to my resolutions and my new chapter of life. Woo Hoo!

The last few weeks have been reflective as I struggled to control that which I've felt has controlled my life and existences. That which has split me into two people and shattered my psyche. Learning to accept help and not feel shame for needing to ask for help controlling or maintaining composure and focus. Help keeping myself from shattering or falling apart again.

I have faced the darkness that envelopes and often consoles me. The sadness that consumes and suffocates me. I have lost myself in the pain that eats so deep into my soul and mind that it robs me of speech leaving me physically twisted, howling like a primal wounded animal and afraid.

Who knew it would happen so fast...?

I just put the bind in today... this morning and by 8pm EST I had an answer and an excepted offer. How the heck did this move so quickly when the last one floundered and faltered. It is true about timing and something not being meant to be. Feeling a little ill and panicked but just gotta get through the day, week, month, year.... LOL. Wow you really never know what a new year will bring , even at the end of the year.

Sniffly and quarantined

Working from home for two days due to the sniffles, a cough and a sore throat has me feeling a little stir-crazy. My mind has been racing a little about how to get more of the things I've wanted to do into my daily, weekly, or monthly routine. I've started to draw again. Draw badly that is... ugh my talent is stagnant and suffocated. I only hope it hasn't died and that I can still recusitate my asphyxiated creativity. Lost is not a constant state of existence that agrees with my normal disposition. So I must find a semi-fluid state that better agrees with a personal evolution. Drawing, writing, blogging, producing... that is what I need to do I need to produce. No I need to create.... yes, I need to create! CREATE!!!! The need to birth something amazing is almost painful. From pain can come beauty.... reach into the personal pain of your freak out and recycle it into a unique biographical collage of fractured captivating personal art.

Stepping Backwards in time

Today was so surreal and bizarre.  A friend from college found me and called me at work... it seems he works for the same enormous company.  Whooooa it was so wild I was in shock as we spoke.  Then I hear from other folks I'd not spoken to in awhile and I realize I've been neglectful of my personal correspondence.  Now I wonder am I prograstinating and ignoring my work to create more havock in my life.  STOP IT!!!!

Do your work yells the left, do it dammit.  Nah, says my right.... chatting insanely with whoever will listen to distract themselves and avoid the 'to do's'.  Now I'm a little scared. 

Do not worry you will resolve this and get all the emails you need to get out done tomorrow.  I will format each of the Test Summaries like I did for the summaries.  Just stay calm.

Okay no rumble talk today it is a Monday and that's tough enough.  Today let me share a photo op.  Yup that is the Brooklyn Bridge.  Drove into work today because I was just to bent out of shape and anxious to face the subway.  

Oh you can scoff all you want but riding the subway is often an endurance test.  Waiting, shoving, balancing, squishing, yelling, panhandling, fighting, competing... ugh it is exhausting.  So instead I left early (5:30am) and drove in.  Figured I might as well enjoy the luxury as the car is going bye bye soon and I will be without for an undetermined amount of time.   It was a 13 hour work day but the really scary thing was it didn't feel that long.  Guess Lefty was in charge today.  There are a couple of personal things, projects, to do's on the horizon:

1. planning a monthly dinner party with rotating guest and thematic menus

2. slowing (and I mean slowly) overhauling my room to create a creative haven for the right brain

3.  completion of MIT courseware in Anthropology (mid-sept deadline)

4.  a mythology overview paper that will act as rough foundation for a course curriculum and thesis I'm developing for my Ph.D (due this Thursday)

5.  figure out how to become a cat so I can sleep all day... lazy furballs (did I mention 2 lazy furballs live in my apt)

Furball 1 is Bobo.  Yeah you heard me Bobo.  And furball 2 is Brodie.  Both are currently unavailable, if you'd like to leave a message or a treat please leave a message with the fractured female holding the black, bright, clicky thing in her lap.

In the beginning... No really

Okay so I'm not going to explain in one entry how long my left and right brain have been rumbling but let's just say it's been a long rumble.  It is epic... like the Hatfields and McCoys feud.  What do they argue about, everything and nothing.  The constant bickering and insults is exhausting yet has made for some spectacular, gut-wrenching, and soul shattering moments.  There are small cracks all over my psyche & soul... If you look really close maybe you'll see them but most don't.  These tiny fractures are mine own unique pattern of experience.  They tell the story of my life through their smooth, jagged, deep, shallow, straight, zigzagged randomness.

When I used to look at myself I saw a shattered human being with huge pieces missing,  Gaping voids taunting the divided regions of myself.  

"How can you ever be a functional and productive part of society?" Left Brain (LB) would scold.

"Will I ever be whole and healed." Right Brain (RB) would lament.  

One accusing, the other asking for forgiveness but both ashamed of their fragmented existence.  Shame the one thing both sides agreed on.  But how to fix themselves was a whole other problem.  Like Israel & Palestine,... essentially the same people with different philosophies of how to live so often at odds.   Right now they are in talks about ending their feud.  Both are at the table but you never know when one will just get up and walk out.  

 I don't know if either side has ever understood that in order to mend they must fine completeness in each other.  Guess it is a good think I enjoy boxing. Lucky me I get front row seats to all the Royal Rumbles.  And in case you are wondering, yes, you do get splattered by the carnage.